Readers beware!!!!

Anyone who has talked with me knows that one of my strengths is perhaps my biggest weakness: I have a big mouth that pretty much spews out whatever I am thinking with very little disgression. I should find a politically correct way to vent, but I say it plain, and hope that the listener will be able to figure out why it was said. SO.....If you precede, do so with caution, this is my journal, and if you are too nervous to deal with it, then please, don't read it.
My first question that isn't a question: If you truly are in need of something, but no body can or will do anything to help you, Is it worth stating? I think not. Those who really care will just feel bad that they cannot help you, and those who don't care will just have dirt on you to talk to others about. So No, I don't think you should share. BUT, I do think that it should be vented. You can vent to a caring friend or family member over the phone or lunch, or you can vent by writing it. You may choose to write it down and then throw it away, or you can preserve it for posterity, or you can be an open book so that other people who may read it can think "Hey, I can relate to that!" Well, I guess I am putting myself out there in hopes that as I heal, others will reap some benefit as well.
A lot of spiritual meetings or athletics training will talk about how wonderful the lesson of endurance is. I am sure it is great after the fact, but while you are enduring, it totally sucks. It feels so overpowering, that you just think I cannot go thru this a be a better person, It is totally bringing out the worst in me! I should not think this way, but I think that sometimes the hardest time is when everything seems so good. I live in a beautiful home, nice neighborhood, wonderful husband with adorable smart kids, we are all healthy. What in the heck could I possible be discouraged about? I am lucky to not be dealing with a divorce, sick children, living in a dangerous situation, etc. Well hey!!!!! I want to know the same thing!!!!! REALLY!!! What the heck could I feel discouraged about!
As I sit in my seemingly perfect world, I think: I feel lonely. How can that be. In an hour I may feel like I have a million friends. How can such extreme feelings change so quickly. I had a dream last night that a church member contacted me who wanted to come over for her church calling, and I said to her: "No thanks! I go to church and sit by myself, My children have been mistreated, and the only people who talk to my husband are previous friends.....I am lonely at church, so why don't you just visit with me there!" I feel shocked at my dream, but I realize that is how I feel. I know that people are busy and have thier own families to take care of, but sometime I just can't believe how isolated I feel.
When we moved here I felt such energy. It seemed great that there were so many freedoms for the kids. It seemed great that there were so many church members, and so many good people. Now I long for the days in my first neighborhood of "newly wed and nearly dead", (so rude I know!) But we were needed. I had to do my calling (or 3) because there was so much need, and not enough people. I knew my neighbors, because they were out gardening and mowing lawns and sitting on the porch. Now I wonder if there is a magic neighborhood ferry, because you never see your neighbors, and if you do, they are busy visiting with someone else.
Now I know that I am not totally innocent here. Perhaps my personality has changed. I look back and realize: "Wow, it was a year ago that I hit my head and started getting these headaches. I have hardly left my home since then, and I have not invited people to my home since then. I have rarely made it to church, not volunteered at the school. I have not done my callings, and when I have been invited to events, I have only been able to make it about 20% of the time." So yes, it does appear that I have changed. And now I am the person who sits alone, rather than the person who moves to sit with someone, and last time I cried in public it was the new person who comforted me, but my heart is the same. I would much rather prefer to be the person who comforts that the person who needs comforted, and it is rare when I am the person who extends the hand of service, but I do still love and care for and pray for the needs of others that I am aware of.
When Sean lost his job, our home teacher came and visited us. It was very reassuring, and we have a couple of really sweet friends who have expressed love and concern for us, and we know that we have been in peoples prayers. That means so much to us, and I know that we have been blessed from it. When started getting my headaches last year, we had help with meals and with our children, and we did feel fellowship from that. With the recent headaches we have again recieved help from friends and family, and it is so wonderful. Perhaps I am just combining my frustration of my headaches and guilt of the lack of what I can do and placing it where I should not. I just do feel very frustrated with my situation.
How can I feel my importance, and help my family to realize theirs? Where are we going to be in 6 -12 months physically and spiritually? Am I where I am supposed to be, or did selfish desires bring me to a place where I cannot be who I need to be? Will I ever be the person I was or the person I can be? These are sincere questions. Where do I find the answers, and will I find them before I do harm? It has been a rough day, and it is only 3:00. I hope to find peace, and I need to pull myself together before my family comes home. I am sure that my next entry will be full of optimism and gratitude, but I guess it can't always be sunshine and butterflies, right!?!